We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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