My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you win again, gameday.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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