I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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