You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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