i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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