The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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