just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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