I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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