sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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