Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
