And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
