I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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