So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
