We're facebook friends in real life
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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