do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
