I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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