I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Blood and glitter go together right?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
