Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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