I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
