Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
