Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
