PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
