Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
