I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
His nipple licking is glorious
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