she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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