Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
