you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize