okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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