I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
