My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
