Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
