You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
