Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
