My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
