I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
