I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
