Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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