People in love make me want to vomit
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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