So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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