i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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