I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
