one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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