no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i think my cat just said my name.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
