I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize