So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
