"it" just moved
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
