wake up i wanna do it froggy style
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
