no, he came in my armpit
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize