If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
