my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
