i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize