The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
