She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
