I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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