Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
