you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
