I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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