saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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