Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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