Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
