That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
